Survivor

I am a survivor.

As I look back down memory lane, I am overwhelmed with the many obstacles that came my way but I survived.

I owe it to God, to my family, friends and anonymous people who somehow became instruments for me to survive.

Let me tell you a story..,

One time my shout out over at FB was "define STRESS",..my Mommy Maloy commented that after everything I've been through, I shouldn't be stressed anymore, in other words stress should not be in my vocabulary. My Mom Maloy was one of the few who stood by me when the world was against me. I remember when I had surgery way back January 3, 2005, she was one of those worried sick about me because at that time, I didn't have family to take care of me. Although my Father insisted that he'd fly to Manila in order to take care of me but I refused because it was too expensive and I didn't want to bother him. I'm a big girl now, I thought and I can take care of myself but deep inside of course I wanted my Papa by my side. I stayed at the hospital for 7 days. My friends Haidee and her sister Melinda would take turns to be with me at the hospital. My cousin Agnes who miraculously discovered me there would drop by whenever she was not busy since she was finishing her medical residency. Occasionally, some office mates would visit and brought me some goodies and there was Ye my good friend then, now my husband who despite being criticized for taking care of me at the hospital, went out of his way to help. There is so much goodness in him no wonder I’m his wife now. After the surgery, I had what they call a spinal headache. I couldn’t elevate my head because it would cause me a very painful headache, and so I just had to lie down most of the time until I get better with the help of medication. A nurse aid would visit me every morning to bathe me, and a mysterious nun came praying for me while I was asleep although no one confirmed there was a nun who visited me in my room. Spooky isn’t it?
This experience taught me a lot about relying in myself and getting help when badly needed.

I am strong, but I also need help sometimes.

We must admit that we cannot endure everything on our own and it’s ok to ask for help when we need it.

With the overwhelming chain of events that's been happening in my life, I must say that God really loves me. He keeps me strong and He always provides a way out from all my problems through the people around me.

That is why I continuously survive.

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The thing about marriage.,

I am not so sure if I have the right to talk about marriage simply because even if I've been married for almost 5 years now I still consider myself a neophyte.


But the heck, I'm itching to talk about it since I learned that my good friend is planning to tie the knot soon. I am happy for my friend, but I was suggesting to her to give it a year more or two to REALLY prepare for married life. Why?..Well, because one thing I've learned from being married is that things would have been easier had we really prepared for it, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and most importantly is financially. I am not saying that I have a broken relationship, or that I'm regretting the fact that I am married. But I'm sure my husband will agree that it would have been a little less skirmish had we planned sooner.

It's not just a simple relationship, it’s actually more of a "business relationship" with really good benefits once you succeed and like any business you have to conduct a study to identify if it will work and eventually generate revenues. It's plain stupid to invest on something that you know will never work in the long run. Yes, it's worth a try but like what they say in marriage there's NO RETURN, NO EXCHANGE.

It's not that if you don't prepare well for married life it's not going to work and not everyone will share the same predicament as mine however we hold the key to our future and if we want things to be better for the marriage and our children, preparing, planning and coming up with a blue print of which wouldn't hurt. Right? At least there is a master plan and somehow it will provide a framework or direction.

I have learned from my experience and from my other friends experiences too that LOVE is very important in marriage. Do you know what love is? To what extent can you LOVE someone?

According to the Bible "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres".

Love never fails.

What a very beautiful way to describe love, isn't it? When two people get married, technically, they are so deeply in love with each other. Then eventually they have kids and more responsibilities and as married couples hurdle through their everyday life, they discover how difficult it is to stay in love. And as years go by, most often than not married couples end up asking themselves what is love in the first place or if it even still exists in the relationship because somehow the level is different. And the way you show your love for your partner is quite different too. Sometimes, couples who have been married for a long time assume that they don't need to be romantic anymore, confident that their partners already know they love them so they don’t really need to do anymore extra effort unlike when they were just engaged. I do not know if it's because couples assume different roles from being husband and wife, to being dad and mom, that they forget they also are lovers, best of friends, partners and comrades. Or those are also just simply other roles they portray?

After everything that I have said about marriage, planning and love, I’m sure a lot of you will disagree with me. I’m sure your situation and analysis will somehow be different than mine, and of course it will be because we react to things differently and we are entitled to our own opinion which is completely fine with me.

However, I’m sure everyone will agree that the recipe for a good marriage is putting God at the center of it. Planned or unplanned, if God is not present in the relationship, in the family, in the home, the marriage will be rotten eventually leading to a broken family.

I strongly believe that!

Ironic but sometimes despite my faith in the Lord, I feel like the more I am tested. During instances like this we ran to our Lord’s house, at the Parish of the Holy Sacrifice, UP Diliman Quezon City. Honestly, in that place, even if my husband and I just sit around, we have peace of mind. We don’t feel the pain and the resentment we sometimes have for each other because in that holy place, God makes His presence felt.

I do not have a blueprint for my marriage. No plans, no studies made. Just plain LOVE and the vow to love someone unconditionally and most importantly there’s the Lord at the center, who keeps us together through the good and bad times.

Oh and yes, we continue to endure..,

Witnessing a miracle everyday

I am hungry.

And I can't do anything about it. As much as I want to feel sad and complain about me being pennyless, I'd rather hold back and just keep on going. I can't give up. Not today, not ever. It's for my kids, and I know somewhere, some time I will make it.

I never imagined myself being in this situation. And it's heart piercing that despite all my efforts I am still in darkness. I want to cry for help but I'd rather not. I know people who are in a much worse situation than I do.I do not have the right to complain.

But of course it sometimes reaches to point that I ask God why ME. I lost my job before, I lost friends and the most painful is lossing my baby and getting into a rocky situation with my husband. I couldn't understand why I was going through such horrible pain and despite clinging to the little hope and faith remaining within me and praying so hard for the Lord to spare me, I was still so unhappy.

It's really hard holding back. It's hard not to cry or complain. Even if I say to myself to offer everything to the Lord, I still break down. I am not using my being human as an excuse, and yes I am making efforts to deal with my crises, I guess I need to have a little more faith and to my dismay God is not disappointing me.

A couple of weeks ago I was with my colleagues for a breakfast meeting. At that time, I wanted to end my marriage because I felt like it was the only solution.  Then casually my friend shared how intense her fight was against cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in the lymphnoids area, she lost her hair, was just in high school then, but she did not give up because she said she had a lot of reasons to live and she had faith that God will grant her that. At her age,I admire her so much for having the courage and wisdom to accept things as they are and for embracing life without complains.

I love my husband. We've been through a lot and I do not see any reason why we can't make it this time. Not for our children's sake but for our sake and the vow we had for each other that in sickness in health, for richer or poorer,till death do as part.

Two hours ago, I was hungry. And I felt so down I was almost in the break of tears. Then, to my suprise someone brought me 3 bars of chocolates to get me by and I guess its God's way of telling me "I love you". Do not be so worried about how you can fullfill your tummy as I will provide you for that. I just need you to have a little more patience and and faith in me.

God has made his presence felt in the lowest, bitter, angry stage of my life. And He continuesly makes his presence felt especially in the most joyful occassions.

I witness a lot of miracles from Him everyday. The moment I wake up in the morning, at the office and when I return home at night. He makes his presence felt in so many ways, with the people around me, using them as instruments to help me make it through everyday and even with the situations I get myself in, He always provides me a way out.

We just need to open our hearts and minds to witness these little miracles that God creates for us and by counting our blessings everyday we are reminded that He is always there to provide, protect and guide us.