Survivor

I am a survivor.

As I look back down memory lane, I am overwhelmed with the many obstacles that came my way but I survived.

I owe it to God, to my family, friends and anonymous people who somehow became instruments for me to survive.

Let me tell you a story..,

One time my shout out over at FB was "define STRESS",..my Mommy Maloy commented that after everything I've been through, I shouldn't be stressed anymore, in other words stress should not be in my vocabulary. My Mom Maloy was one of the few who stood by me when the world was against me. I remember when I had surgery way back January 3, 2005, she was one of those worried sick about me because at that time, I didn't have family to take care of me. Although my Father insisted that he'd fly to Manila in order to take care of me but I refused because it was too expensive and I didn't want to bother him. I'm a big girl now, I thought and I can take care of myself but deep inside of course I wanted my Papa by my side. I stayed at the hospital for 7 days. My friends Haidee and her sister Melinda would take turns to be with me at the hospital. My cousin Agnes who miraculously discovered me there would drop by whenever she was not busy since she was finishing her medical residency. Occasionally, some office mates would visit and brought me some goodies and there was Ye my good friend then, now my husband who despite being criticized for taking care of me at the hospital, went out of his way to help. There is so much goodness in him no wonder I’m his wife now. After the surgery, I had what they call a spinal headache. I couldn’t elevate my head because it would cause me a very painful headache, and so I just had to lie down most of the time until I get better with the help of medication. A nurse aid would visit me every morning to bathe me, and a mysterious nun came praying for me while I was asleep although no one confirmed there was a nun who visited me in my room. Spooky isn’t it?
This experience taught me a lot about relying in myself and getting help when badly needed.

I am strong, but I also need help sometimes.

We must admit that we cannot endure everything on our own and it’s ok to ask for help when we need it.

With the overwhelming chain of events that's been happening in my life, I must say that God really loves me. He keeps me strong and He always provides a way out from all my problems through the people around me.

That is why I continuously survive.

Image by Cool Text: Logo and Button Generator - Create Your Own

The thing about marriage.,

I am not so sure if I have the right to talk about marriage simply because even if I've been married for almost 5 years now I still consider myself a neophyte.


But the heck, I'm itching to talk about it since I learned that my good friend is planning to tie the knot soon. I am happy for my friend, but I was suggesting to her to give it a year more or two to REALLY prepare for married life. Why?..Well, because one thing I've learned from being married is that things would have been easier had we really prepared for it, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and most importantly is financially. I am not saying that I have a broken relationship, or that I'm regretting the fact that I am married. But I'm sure my husband will agree that it would have been a little less skirmish had we planned sooner.

It's not just a simple relationship, it’s actually more of a "business relationship" with really good benefits once you succeed and like any business you have to conduct a study to identify if it will work and eventually generate revenues. It's plain stupid to invest on something that you know will never work in the long run. Yes, it's worth a try but like what they say in marriage there's NO RETURN, NO EXCHANGE.

It's not that if you don't prepare well for married life it's not going to work and not everyone will share the same predicament as mine however we hold the key to our future and if we want things to be better for the marriage and our children, preparing, planning and coming up with a blue print of which wouldn't hurt. Right? At least there is a master plan and somehow it will provide a framework or direction.

I have learned from my experience and from my other friends experiences too that LOVE is very important in marriage. Do you know what love is? To what extent can you LOVE someone?

According to the Bible "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres".

Love never fails.

What a very beautiful way to describe love, isn't it? When two people get married, technically, they are so deeply in love with each other. Then eventually they have kids and more responsibilities and as married couples hurdle through their everyday life, they discover how difficult it is to stay in love. And as years go by, most often than not married couples end up asking themselves what is love in the first place or if it even still exists in the relationship because somehow the level is different. And the way you show your love for your partner is quite different too. Sometimes, couples who have been married for a long time assume that they don't need to be romantic anymore, confident that their partners already know they love them so they don’t really need to do anymore extra effort unlike when they were just engaged. I do not know if it's because couples assume different roles from being husband and wife, to being dad and mom, that they forget they also are lovers, best of friends, partners and comrades. Or those are also just simply other roles they portray?

After everything that I have said about marriage, planning and love, I’m sure a lot of you will disagree with me. I’m sure your situation and analysis will somehow be different than mine, and of course it will be because we react to things differently and we are entitled to our own opinion which is completely fine with me.

However, I’m sure everyone will agree that the recipe for a good marriage is putting God at the center of it. Planned or unplanned, if God is not present in the relationship, in the family, in the home, the marriage will be rotten eventually leading to a broken family.

I strongly believe that!

Ironic but sometimes despite my faith in the Lord, I feel like the more I am tested. During instances like this we ran to our Lord’s house, at the Parish of the Holy Sacrifice, UP Diliman Quezon City. Honestly, in that place, even if my husband and I just sit around, we have peace of mind. We don’t feel the pain and the resentment we sometimes have for each other because in that holy place, God makes His presence felt.

I do not have a blueprint for my marriage. No plans, no studies made. Just plain LOVE and the vow to love someone unconditionally and most importantly there’s the Lord at the center, who keeps us together through the good and bad times.

Oh and yes, we continue to endure..,

Witnessing a miracle everyday

I am hungry.

And I can't do anything about it. As much as I want to feel sad and complain about me being pennyless, I'd rather hold back and just keep on going. I can't give up. Not today, not ever. It's for my kids, and I know somewhere, some time I will make it.

I never imagined myself being in this situation. And it's heart piercing that despite all my efforts I am still in darkness. I want to cry for help but I'd rather not. I know people who are in a much worse situation than I do.I do not have the right to complain.

But of course it sometimes reaches to point that I ask God why ME. I lost my job before, I lost friends and the most painful is lossing my baby and getting into a rocky situation with my husband. I couldn't understand why I was going through such horrible pain and despite clinging to the little hope and faith remaining within me and praying so hard for the Lord to spare me, I was still so unhappy.

It's really hard holding back. It's hard not to cry or complain. Even if I say to myself to offer everything to the Lord, I still break down. I am not using my being human as an excuse, and yes I am making efforts to deal with my crises, I guess I need to have a little more faith and to my dismay God is not disappointing me.

A couple of weeks ago I was with my colleagues for a breakfast meeting. At that time, I wanted to end my marriage because I felt like it was the only solution.  Then casually my friend shared how intense her fight was against cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in the lymphnoids area, she lost her hair, was just in high school then, but she did not give up because she said she had a lot of reasons to live and she had faith that God will grant her that. At her age,I admire her so much for having the courage and wisdom to accept things as they are and for embracing life without complains.

I love my husband. We've been through a lot and I do not see any reason why we can't make it this time. Not for our children's sake but for our sake and the vow we had for each other that in sickness in health, for richer or poorer,till death do as part.

Two hours ago, I was hungry. And I felt so down I was almost in the break of tears. Then, to my suprise someone brought me 3 bars of chocolates to get me by and I guess its God's way of telling me "I love you". Do not be so worried about how you can fullfill your tummy as I will provide you for that. I just need you to have a little more patience and and faith in me.

God has made his presence felt in the lowest, bitter, angry stage of my life. And He continuesly makes his presence felt especially in the most joyful occassions.

I witness a lot of miracles from Him everyday. The moment I wake up in the morning, at the office and when I return home at night. He makes his presence felt in so many ways, with the people around me, using them as instruments to help me make it through everyday and even with the situations I get myself in, He always provides me a way out.

We just need to open our hearts and minds to witness these little miracles that God creates for us and by counting our blessings everyday we are reminded that He is always there to provide, protect and guide us.

The Original Recruiters

Last weekend, I met up with my former colleagues from ePLDT, a meeting long awaited after each one of us left the recruitment team of Ventus, formerly Vocativ. Maloy (Ma. Luisa Panlilio-Chua) our consultant, Grace Grampa, Ryan Manzanero and I, worked together for several years. To me they are more than officemates, they are my family.


The lunch-date was set up when I accidentally bumped into Maloy at Park square 1 in Glorietta. I was on my way home from my medical checkup and she, on the other hand was on her way to Island photo to have her pictures developed.

It was a very big surprise for me to see my "Mommy Maloy" because I thought she was in the US for a much needed vacation. Like me, she was mourning the death of her sister.

As usual, I arrived late for our luncheon date. My good friends used to complain about me arriving late most of the time for work before, but of course they were very understanding since I was residing in Cainta back then.

We ate at AVENETO PIZZERIA, an Italian restaurant at Glorietta Mall. We've been planning to eat here since god knows when, and finally after 4 years we convened at the resto we've been wanting to dine a long time ago.

I was equally nervous and excited to see my good friends after all this time. We have different lives now but nothing will ever change the good and bad times we had together. Seeing them that sunny afternoon was no different than how it was years back.It seems that nothing has changed. Ryan is still handsome as ever. Gracey, still prim and proper. Maloy, still candid and humorous and prides herself of her senior citizens card which we benefited a 20% discount from our bill. [Thanks for the treat Maloy].

We stayed at the resto for almost 5 hours; obviously we had a lot of catching up to do. From reminiscing the times we had at the PLDT MGO building, to the daily hassles we encountered with our job, including the robbery that happened with one of our applicants as the culprit, and of course when after several years of being together, one by one, we left for better reasons. I was the first to go, then Grace, Maloy finally retired and Ryan moving to another role.

Despite the distance, time, and the many other things that had happened in our lives, we were still connected by a bond that I guess will forever draw us near to each other, and that bond is what we call friendship. We will think, support, pray for each other without having to prove or say that we are friends come what may.

Prayer of Sacrifice

Last year was a very difficult year for me. I lost a lot of things that meant so dear to me. I lost friends, I lost money, my job, opportunities, trust, love, and even myself. Infact before the end of 2009, I nearly lost my sanity especially when my son, Joaquin Louise, died 14 days after he was born.

Words cannot describe the pain I had to endure just to get by.

I felt like a melting candle.

But if I lost to the world last year, I also gained my life back because if this very special prayer that I want to share with all of you. May the Prayer of Sacrifice empower you with strength, wisdom and humility to understand the course of time. May it uplift your spirit, the very same way it did to me.

Now, think of the Lord Jesus. Focus on his face. Offer to him everything that you hold deep in your heart ans say, the Prayer of Sacrifice.

Lord of the Holy Sacrifice, your saving oblation on the cross has given me new life. May I always recall your holy sacrifice on the cross and do it in remembrance of you. When tempted by selfishness, inspire me to be taken as an unworthy sacrifice. When burdened by envy, let me become an instrument of blessing for others. When afflicted by anger and pride, grant me the humility to be broken and given for others. When unsettled by anguish and troubled by worries, give me encouragement.


May your Spirit move my heart to see in your outstretched arms your loving embrace of everyone that I, too, may welcome others with the same love in an open hand. Teach my mind and direct my will to humbly endure the pain of undeserved suffering even when my intent was good and done what is right. May I understand that it is in the holy sacrifice of your wounds that my brokenness is healed. May I see in your sacrifice on the cross not only death and defeat but victory and life.

Loving Father, may the holy sacrifice of your Son cleanse my soul, strengthen my heart, pardon my past and restore me in your peace. May I always adore you by uniting myself in His holy sacrifice, the sacrament of your divine love. May I learn to sacrifice my own comfort, plans and dreams if it is not for your glory and the good of others.

With Mary, the mother of Jesus, who joined her heart with the sacrifice of her Son, may I become a holy sacrifice of love and service for others. Gathered around the altar of love, may all be united in listening to your word and sharing the one bread and cup and become one people, offering one holy sacrifice.

Amen.

Miraculous Abundance

By Ma. Teresa Torres



The multiplication of loaves was mentioned in all four gospels of the bible. However, there is inconsistency in the number of bread and fish multiplied mentioned by the evangelists. In Matthew’s account, there are seven loaves of bread and two fish whereas in the accounts of John, Mark, and Luke, there are five loaves of bread and two fish. The inconsistency is also found in the number of baskets of leftovers. In the former there are seven baskets, in the latter, there are twelve.


It may not mathematically make sense. How can seven loaves of bread and two fish, or five loaves and two fish, feed four thousand or five thousand mouths?

Maybe it is because they shared. The people only ate what they needed. Perhaps many of them gave their share to the others who needed it more. Or, many of them actually brought their own food and shared it with their neighbors. It is possible that because of these unwritten events, the five loaves of bread and the two fish was more than enough to feed the five thousand followers.

What is the moral of the story? That in each and every one of us, there is an abundance of gifts that God gave to us to share. Just as the sharing between the people who followed Jesus multiplied the loaves of bread and the few pieces of fish, sharing our blessing in effect multiplies it so that many will be able to receive and experience it.

MAMA MIA MADE ME CRY

It was blistering hot that Wednesday afternoon and its been a week since the laundry was ready for ironing and all I could do was stare at the pile of clothes slowly accumulating at one corner of my bedroom. My goodness it was definitely becoming an eyesore not to mention my husbands’ whining over his missing boxers or his favorite shirt and pants that he haven’t seen for over a week now since he last wore it. Well, its all in there at that corner of my bedroom and I couldn't run away from it no more. I had to do something and while contemplating over the matter and trying to find an excuse not to do the ironing that afternoon because it was really very hot, I decided to turn on the radio to help me get in the mood only to find myself watching the movie MAMA MIA. Quickly I settled in front of the TV with an ironing board and a basket full of clothes desperately wanting to be ironed, folded and put away.

The story started with a very memorable song being played in the background and from what I can remember, my older sister Patricia used to sing that song when I was still a kid. ("I Have a Dream").

I have a dream, a song to sing To help me cope with anything. If you see the wonder of a fairy tale. You can take the future even if you fail. I believe in angels, Something good in everything I see believe in angels, When I know the time is right for me, Ill cross the stream - I have a dream.

Then suddenly I find myself standing in front of a mirror in our old house in Tacloban looking very much like someone from the future. I was back home and it felt so real I can even taste the salty air. The weather was cool and windy and I can see the coconut leaves swaying from a distance. I was home and from the looks of it nothing has changed. The floor was shinny and somebody must have polished it before I arrived. My mother hated it if the floor isn’t polished before she comes home from work at 3 pm. The wall was still pink the way my older brother John wanted it and no he isn’t gay, he just wanted the wall pink that’s all. The furniture was arranged properly and it had that same old squeaking sound once you sit on it because it was made of bamboo. I was home and I couldn't’t believe it and for a moment I was convinced that it was real.

Mommy, what are you watching? mommy cartoons..mommy toys…it was my daughter Ysabel talking to me and as I was staring at her blankly I realized that she looked very much like me when I was a little girl and she pretty much acted like me too. I just hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes as I did when I was young.

As I continue to watch the movie, my daughter quickly settled on the bed and watched the movie with me after all just like mommy, Ysabel loves to watch musicals too.

Then came the part when Donna Sheridan (Meryl Streep) is ecstatic to reunite with old friends and former Donna and The Dynamos bandmates, wisecracking author Rosie (Julie Walters) and wealthy multiple divorcee Tanya (Christine Baranski), and reveals her mystification at her daughter's desire to get married. The very moment the girls reunited at that small port of Kalokairi and the cheering, laughter and dancing at the sight of true friends you haven't seen for such a long time pierced my heart so badly for I also miss my friends from home.

Its really different when you know a person your entire life because even if you haven't seen each other for the longest time and when you do you instantly have that connection no matter what happened to both of you since then. I have a friend whom I haven’t seen in years. She is a dear friend and I owe her a lot. One day I just received a call from her that she was in town and she wanted to see me with old pals and I couldn't’t believe how much she has changed and how matured and sophisticated she has become and yet we are still friends and she still accepts and understands me for who I am and I'm very grateful for that.

Donna (Meryl Streep) dumbfounded to find herself face to face with the three former lovers she could never forget ("Mamma Mia"), and is adamant that they cannot stay. She confides in Tanya and Rosie ("Chiquitita") a secret she has kept from everyone — she is uncertain which of the three men is actually Sophie's father. Tanya and Rosie rally her spirits to the tune of ("Dancing Queen").


Not only did the songs mama mia, chiquitita and dancing queen remind me of people, places and wonderful memories of friends, family and childhood but at this point the movie really made me cry and I could hear myself sobbing while trying to iron my husbands pants. Oh my, I'm sure I looked really stupid that very moment. What a funny sight! hahahaha…and my daughter who was watching the movie with me was beginning to worry about me crying. I guess that’s what happens when you are starting to get older you are becoming more and more sensitive and sentimental.

Tanya and Rosie reminds me of the yasuys. I wonder if we will have the same exciting reunion if ever we will see each other again… I hope we will…I'm sure we will…singing and dancing just like in the movie. But of course life isn’t like that. Who am I kidding…friendship is not all about happy memories there are sad memories too but of course if you were true friends then you just accept the person whoever she is and whatever she has done in the past. Which makes me wonder…before if I needed to speak my mind or vent out my feelings, I talk to a friend but now I just write my thoughts in my blog. WHERE EVER did my friends go? Its sad but its reality.

Finally, Donna confesses to Sophie that her father is present but he could be any of the three candidates, whom Sophie now admits to having invited. The three men concur that they would be quite happy to be one-third of a father for such a girl as Sophie.

Although I cannot relate to Donna for having a very colorful love life to the point of not knowing who the father of her daughter is, but I would like to salute her for being every inch a woman. In the story Donna fell in love and had a broken heart after another. She practically raised her daughter all by herself and she never gave up and was always head strong and supportive of her daughter Sophie. What a fantastic woman she is and the movie was a happy ending for her...Would it be for me?

That's another story, but as for now...I have to just take it easy.

MAMA MIA!

darn..still not finished ironing until this very moment.

WHY FRIENDSHIP ENDS

Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.
Sometimes I realize that, "The end of our friendship was a gradual thing. I moved from one side of the country to the other. It was over an 18-hour's drive to see each other. For a year or so, we would see each other if they visit the metropolis. Then our friendship began to taper off."
"I didn't even know the friendship was over untiI caught myself thinking of Dinah as a former friend. In the past tense rather than the present."
"We started to e-mail each other less and less. The friendship was just over."
Other friendships break up suddenly from a disagreement or move to another town.
"When I moved to Manila after college, our friendship abruptly died. We were both struggling with our own lives and didn't keep in touch. Now that friendship is so dead, I don't even call her when I go home."

Carole King's song, "You've Got A Friend" promises "Winter, spring, summer, or fall--all you've got to do is call--and I'll be there." Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever.
Yet, friendships end and friends part company everyday. Unfortunately, even the best maintained friendships can end.
Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle when friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each others company.

"That was the last straw for our friendship. I never spoke to her again. It's like we were never friends."

A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
Unexpressed expectations,

Undelivered communication,
And/or thwarted attention."
Yet the biggest threat to a friendship is change.

For example, moving from single life to coupled life has a great effect on friendship. Coupled persons often feel their single friends act interested in them only when a romantic prospect is not in sight. They may feel jealousy for or neglected by a single friend's new social life. The single friend may feel awkward and withdraw from a world of twosomes. Divorced and widowed people often have a feeling of being abandoned by old friends.

Lillian Rubin in her book Just Friends says, "Thus generally it's true that friends accept each other so long as they both remain essentially the same as they were when they met, or change in similar directions. If they change or grow in different or incompatible ways, the friendship most likely will be lost."

Regardless of why, when, or how friendships end, there is always some pain of loss to assimilate. When nothing can be done to mend the friendship, it is important to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships.